Colonics

Colonics: Say It, Don’t Spray It

I’m a big fan of colonics. BIG. I try and work one in weekly, taking into account how much privacy I have and how well I’ve prepared before hand. Like many others who take part in the practice, I perform mine at home. I’ve heard/read the negative feedback about colonics in general, not to mention doing it yourself. But for me, I can’t live without them anymore. It feels like someone took my brain out and washed it, THOROUGHLY, before putting it back in my head. I swear I can hear better, and I definitely feel happier afterwards. Always use either filtered spring water or electrolyte and PH (“power of hydrogen”) alkalined balanced water. (7 or greater according to the PH scale). You can test your own water at home, or watch some cool YouTube vids on other people who have done their own at home lab work. Science is awesome. Sometimes, I add to the water; probiotics, coffee, or green superfood powder. Whatever you don’t feel like taking up top, gets absorbed by your colon at a much quicker rate down below.

The Office Visit

When you go to a facility that offers colon hydrotherapy, you have two main choices. The closed or open colonic system. When I first started cleansing in my 20’s, I thought the closed system was my only option. Truly, this system tests just how comfortable you are with expelling diarrhea in front of a stranger. Have you ever wondered how you would react in front of a stranger, while feeling the flu like symptoms of diarrhea when it’s not willing to expel itself yet? While a professional stranger is asking you how your love life is going? Yes? Then maybe this is just what you’re looking for.

My last closed system colonic was at a professional, clean, and a bit new agey/hippie style space in San Francisco. I had been once or twice before, and despite the discomfort of pooping in front of another human being, I did relish how I felt afterwards and that trumped any possible embarrassment. Or so I thought…

My therapist couldn’t have been nicer. She had the calm demeanor of a doula, mother and meditation teacher combined. So if I had to share my most private moment with a person I had randomly found in a phone book just weeks before, she was a pretty good find. She was so encouraging! I began with the normal drill of removing my clothes, putting on a hospital gown (open in the back), and rolling to my side. Your therapist then inserts a speculum into the anus as far up as it comfortably goes. (Incredibly humbling process) The speculum is attached to an outside hose which is responsible for filling you up with water, and when you and your therapist have decided you are “full”, a switch is turned and the waste is sucked back out of the same tube. The waste and water make a journey past you in a clear tube where your therapist likes to point out all the un-digestible foods you ate. Strawberry seeds, corn and un-chewed food that I had recognized from WEEKS ago. It’s amazing how long certain foods can reside in your colon, unable to digest or expel themselves in a timely manner. Furthermore, it’s shocking how much waste gets spackled onto the walls of your colon, unable to loosen itself until a detox of some kind is performed. My therapist gave me a vibrator and told me to start at the bottom of my ascending colon and make a circle around the transverse colon, until finally ending down the descending colon. Apparently, this helps shake the garbage loose.

Poor Choice of the Day

This particular appointment was scheduled at noon. I was STARVING, and even though I was warned not to eat before hand, I thought what was the harm of shoveling a salad in? So I did. A giant container of Whole Foods, no topping ignored, salad. So I was full…OF SALAD  (in my head, I was helping by eating greens! And lots of dense ones! I’m mean, fiber right? Right?) I was also a bit constipated, but I figured the first five minutes of my session would take care of that.

After having the speculum properly inserted, I rolled on my back and the water began filtering in. I received a dozen phrases of positive reinforcement. “Oh! That was a good one, looks like one was fired up and ready to go!”, “keep breathing”, “how’s Andy?” (my then boyfriend) and “Oh My GOD…are you ok?”…WAIT, what was that last question? Suddenly I realized that a ton of water was being pumped into my body, but it was like my body forgot how to let it out. It felt stuck in there. I knew I was losing color in my face because…well, she said “Oh my God, you’re losing color in your face”. I could feel the blood drain from the top of my head down and disappear, and I was slowly losing consciousness. Sweat was pouring off of my forehead. After that, everything happened so quickly.

It felt like I was drunk or on a very bad mushroom trip. I decided to flee the scene, so I rolled off the bed, letting the speculum and connected tubing yank themselves out of my butt. Of course NOW my body was ready to expel, and as I fell off the table onto the floor, a sprinkler of fecal water fanned over the table, myself and the surrounding medical equipment. I pulled myself off the floor, ran to the door, flung it open and lumbered down the hall. Please keep in mind, as the back of my patient’s gown swung open, I’m leaving a forceful spray of liquid waste in my wake. If I squeezed my butt cheeks together, that only added a derogatory, soulless sound to the mix. I reach the one-roomed bathroom and see the massage therapist fixing her makeup in the mirror. Again, a very nice lady who I owed a giant apology to when all was said and done. “Hi Stacy! How’s it goin…” Using both my hands, and all the brute force I could muster, I shoved her across the room and screamed with urgency something like “I NEED BE HERE NOW”. Due to a combination of physics and my inability to fight gravity, I was flung in the opposite direction, and hit my head on the edge of the sink. At this point, I’m lying on the floor with my hospital gown pulled up over my chest, last week’s Asian fusion dinner running out on the floor and, for God’s sake, I was still wearing my socks. Both women picked me up and placed me like a rag doll on the toilet. Door closed…and I proceeded to do what had to be done.

About 15 minutes later, the hydro-therapist and massage lady I had assaulted opened the bathroom door to find my upper body collapsed over my own legs, on the toilet. I vaguely remember them both picking me up, carrying me to the private office, where I slept on the couch for about half and hour. When I felt I had garnered enough strength to make it back to my corporate desk job, I wiped my face clean of tears, sweat and humiliation. Embarrassingly, I said my goodbyes/apologies as meaningfully as I could. (There just isn’t a Hallmark card ready to go for this type of situation. (“Sorry I shit all over your place of business“😬) I don’t even remember if there were people in the waiting room. They must’ve been mortified watching a 25 year old, half naked, completely out of her mind, girl blundering through the building, raining shit, sweat and destruction in her wake.

Back On The Hydro Horse

It took me years to get the courage to walk back into another colon hydrotherapy office…and only because I was guaranteed the “open” system, which allowed me total privacy. The speculum and tube is inserted into the rectum by the patient themselves, and you expel the waste around the tube and into a giant toilet bowl below, attached to the comfy table you’re lying on. Plus, you have a television to distract you. I was back in Vegas and got lured in by a special deal. The place is called “A Gentle Cleanse” and changed my opinion of commercial colonics. Charlene, the owner, is great and really understood the process and why an open system was so much better for me. At the time, vitamin B shots and probiotic additives were available for extra cash and every once in a while, the splurge was totally worth it.

When I moved to New York City, I purchased what my then boyfriend called the “shit board”. Basically a giant neon baby blue, paddle board with a hole in it. You position it on the toilet, hole on hole, and balance the other end on a chair. Comes complete with all the necessary tubing and a FIVE gallon water bucket. Needless to say; this is all super awkward, a mess to clean and an impossible adventure when you have roommates. There’s nothing you can say to your roommates, while carrying the shit board back to your room, to make them feel any better about what just happened in the bathroom for the last hour.

So I’ve landed on the Health and Yoga Enema Kit. The price is right (around 30 bucks), ordering replacement tubing is easy, I can travel with it and no humiliating or expensive office visits. The process takes about an hour, and obviously I know quite a bit more about preparing the night before and day of. Please don’t hesitate to reach out with questions on any of this…

I would like to end by reminding you that I still give my tush a good cleaning at least once every two weeks, and highly recommend you try. I would start at a facility with an open system so you can get used to the process, using a professional hydrotherapist to answer any questions. Eventually, you’ll find yourself a enthusiastic expeller at home. I wish you and your colon nothing but the best. Happy cleansing!

3 Comments

  1. OMG 😂 I died reading this! I love your “gut” honesty! I’ve always wondered about having this done so it’s something I will definitely look into!

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